Welcome to a new year! It’s goal setting time and the energy is high. But I’m already seeing the cracks in people’s goal-setting approach and it’s time we talk about it.
I hear so many people at the start of the year trying to shape themselves into perfection. I hear things like:
“I’m finally going to get healthy.”
“I’m actually going to workout.”
“I’m going to prep my meals and actually use what’s in my fridge.”
“I”m going to learn to be content with what I have and stop buying things.”
But, behind those great goals is a conflict and I always feel so uncomfortable listening to people share their goals when I can see this conflict waging war.
What’s the conflict?
Who I am vs. who I wish I were
We betray ourselves daily then get mad at ourselves for that betrayal. We’ve become machines of distrust and unkindness...we’ve trained ourselves to be this way. But here we are, looking for that breath of fresh air, the hope of a new start.
We don’t need a new start.
We need a new mindset.
We need to stop judging ourselves and rejecting ourselves. We need to let go of alllll that deep-seated anger we hold against ourselves. We need to stop holding the good things we want hostage until we “measure up” or “do better.”
So let’s talk about what drives that kind of toxic-goal setting:
The two mindsets driving toxic goals
Toxic goal mindset 1 | Victim mindset
Everything we want to have in life can be traced back to how we think around circumstances, or events in life that are outside our control.
When we believe that circumstance is something that we are helpless toward, we start THINKING like a victim.
And we know that when we THINK like a victim, we FEEL like a victim.
When we FEEL like a victim, we ACT like a victim.
And when we ACT like a victim, we get RESULTS that prove to us that we are indeed...a victim.
This often sounds like goals driven by the things you can’t fix-”this will be the year that I finally lose the 20 pounds. My work schedule is really weird, so I can’t eat at normal times and gained weight because of it.”
And I hear it all the time-it’s one of the biggest driving forces in how we create goals…and how we explain not achieving them.
Toxic goal mindset 2 | Ego-mind
The second and MOST powerful mindset driving our goals is the ego-mind. The ego mind is simply our brain’s safety mechanism. It’s job is to protect us from risks. But it does so in subtle, tricky ways.
It is the “mean girl” voice inside our heads, worried about appearances and reputation. It’s obsessed with fitting in and being accepted. It makes arbitrary rules in an effort to control you (keep you safe). And if you REALLY don’t listen to it, it usually gets mean, telling you you’re not good enough, you “should be” doing (X,Y, or Z), etc.
The ego is like a big, slobbery, Jaba the Hut in our minds. Revolting to see, but reveling in its ability to get what it wants by being mean to you or creating arbitrary rules you can never live by.
Instead of creating victim based, ego-driven goals, I want to offer you the opportunity to choose an upgraded mindset.
The 2 mindsets behind abundant goals
The two mindsets that create actual lasting change are:
Abundant goal mindset 1 | Self-Love & compassion
Self love and compassion looks like accepting yourself for who you are without judgment. (did you feel your body just pause, then relax? That’s a sign of acceptance!) It’s making goals with no intention of CHANGING yourself, but instead, accepting and improving yourself. We’re made to desire excellence. We’re made to yearn for more. But when we try to change ourselves by using goals? We’re just living in self-hatred and ego-mind instead of love and acceptance.
Self-love is also compassion for your wounds-the anger you’ve held against yourself, the impossible standards you’ve held yourself to and ideals that you don’t even value. It’s not just accepting that you’ve lived that way, it’s also feeling compassion that those actions reflect that you’re operating from a wounded state.
Abundant goal mindset 2 | Radical personal responsibility
This is the idea of detaching your identity from your circumstances-stop making everything MEAN something about you and your potential! Let it exist and take responsibility for how you think about it. That’s the only thing that is ours to foster and grow-our thoughts about our circumstances.
Taking radical personal responsibility is a commitment not to changing yourself, but to showing UP for yourself. It’s a commitment to pursuing excellence through your daily actions.
Radical personal responsibility involves first accepting WHY you want what you want. Then realizing you’re the best one (and only one) to give that to yourself.
It’s understanding that if you want that ideal version of you, you have to get up out of your seat and go do it yourself. It’s scary to realize that no one is coming to save you-but it’s even better to realize that you never needed saving in the first place.
It’s in taking responsibility for what HASN’T worked for you and why it hasn’t and then creating solutions that are better suited to where you’re at now.
If you’re wanting to start taking radical personal responsibility, you must stop playing the blame game. Whether it’s algorithms, ghosting, or why you ate what you ate, blaming it on something you can’t control is leaving you powerless.
The first step to radical personal responsibility ISN’T a big pep talk, hyping yourself up to follow through on your goals. Instead, it’s observing your thoughts without judgment. Just like you’d observe a lion at the zoo. Seeing the thoughts come into your head and observing how they make you feel.
That’s the first step.
Want more steps for radical personal responsibility?
Here’s the difference between toxic and abundant goals:
Now that we’ve done a deep dive on the mindsets driving our toxic or abundant goals, what do toxic and abundant goals look and feel like in action? We want to be able to spot them in the wild, so here’s a breakdown for you to start filtering your own goals when they pop into your head in the target self-check when you think “oh my word, I need to lost 20 lbs. And here I am buying Spicy Cheddar cheese puffs again. Oh well…at least they’re the gluten free kind…But seriously on that 20 lbs. I’m for real this time.” (toxic thinking, if you didn’t pick up on that already!)
